The diary of an American?

My name is Michael Dawn.I live in the USA – the sun and the Earth go round this country.Recently I even wrote an essay on this topic and I got an A.
Today I got up early.First thing in the morning I weighed myself.Great!I’ve lost 0.44 pounds!And now I’m only 320 pounds!Only a month ago I was 322 pounds!But dad said that if I didn’t lose some weight girls wouldn’t want to date me.Actually I prefer boys – dating girls is so outdated!
Then I had a dietary breakfast – oats with non-fat milk and two jam toasts.I rounded it off with a slight dessert of two double hamburgers.I enjoyed the breakfast – me and my father had a farting competetion.I won.Now the old man owes me 5 bucks.If he doesn’t pay off tonight I will go to law with him!
My school is very far away from home – 500 metres.Good thing I have a car.That’s why I managed to arrive only in an hour – the traffic jam was short.Lessons were boring.For example the history teacher was saying some bullshit that America was found by someone named Columbus.How do they hire such people for teachers at all!?Elementary logic speaks that America was found by us – the Americans.That’s why it’s called America.The geography lesson was more interesting – how many interesting things happen on earth!The teacher said that there is a country called Africa.In its capital-Egypt-there are triangular skyscrapers and evil Russian mummies live in them.And why won’t these Russians leave us alone anywhere?Yesterday I was on a party at Lesley’s.We were about 40 people.My friend Jim pinched 2 bottles of beer from his father.All of us got so drunk that we vomited everywhere around the swimming pool.oday is a day off.I wanted to sleep a little longer but my father made me play baseball with him in the front yard.It was boring in the beginning but I took to it in a while.It’s so absorbing – 3 hours throwing a ball to each-other in the space of three meters.Amazing sport and highly intellectual too!
After lunch dad made me watch the appeal of president Bush on TV.We had a great time eating pop-corn and listening to the president.He spoke about how important it is for America to bombard all the others because otherwise all those primitive people won’t understand what happiness our country brings to them.I never understood why these fools get so outraged when we bombard them – anyway they will never feel the taste of Coca-Cola and hamburgers,so they will never build democracy.God bless America – the country which is ready to make everyone happy.If someone doesn’t want to be happy we can always persuade him.Long after Bush’s appeal me and my whole family were singing the national anthem of America and crying,realizing our own majesty and understanding the heavenly mission given us from God.
At dinner me and dad had a farting competition again.The dog won.It was so loud that all the neighbours hid in their cellars shouting “The Russians are coming!”.When we made them come out it was already dark.Good thing I told them that tomorrow in the nearby supermarket there is a bargain-sale and you can buy electrical navel-cleaners 10% cheaper.They went out immediately…
15 april
That’s it,I took a decision – I’m becoming a geographer!I want to study the wonderful science of geometry!Today we had a remarkable lesson!The teacher was speaking about the far away country called Russia.I knew a lot about this wild country anyway.For instance everybody knows perfectly well that Russians are hybrids between people and bears,they eat alcohol and birch-branches,they live in deep holes in the taiga and on holidays they set the Kremlin on fire and dance kasatchok around it.After the lesson I probably know about Russia even more than its natives do.In that country there are American resources of petroleum and gas.Whenever we need them we can go there and get them.Besides in Russia there are sites of caviar and also mines of Vodka and pelmeni.Russians waste these natural resources in a barbarous way:they eat and drink them at expense of the future american generations.A true empire of the evil!
After school I went to my psychoanalist.I visit him twice a week.He gives me advices and teaches me how to live.Today he taught me how to flush the toilet.I’ve always wondered why our toilet stinks like this.I must show this to my folks – they will be so surprised when they see…
In the evening I played tetris.A killing action!